If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship, you probably already know marriage isn’t always the fairytale social media and pop culture make it out to be. Sure, there are the cute anniversary posts and Sunday morning coffee dates—but also the passive-aggressive dishwasher debates, the “whose family do we visit for Thanksgiving” wars, and the moments when you wonder if you’re both speaking totally different languages.
According to relationship therapist Adrienne Michelle, LMFT, that’s all part of the deal. “People often come to therapy saying the hardest parts of marriage are moving through conflict, financial stress, and sexual incompatibility,” she says. “But all of those things often stem from deeper places, like trauma, fear, or attachment styles.” Translation: You’re not actually fighting about the dishes—you’re fighting about deeply-rooted issues or insecurities that got triggered by the dishes.
Michelle adds that the biggest red flag she sees isn’t about money or sex or whether or not the pans go on the top rack (they don’t); it’s when partners stop liking or respecting each other.
That said, no marriage is perfect (no matter how flawless their family vacation pics look). And before you start spiraling, say it with me: Marital challenges don’t mean you’re incompatible. In fact, Michelle says they mean you’re a totally normal couple. It’s not just candlelit dinners and home date nights—it takes time, effort, and support to be married.
But that hard work is what ultimately makes it worth it. “Marriage is a partnership,” Michelle says. “It’s hard decisions, good days, and bad days. I always tell people to marry someone if you want to carry them through life. If you find someone who wants to walk beside you forever—and you both keep choosing each other—that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Below, real married people spill on what they think the hardest part of marriage really is—because the rom-coms don’t always show what life looks like *after* the “I dos.”
- “How to load the dishwasher. We have literally screamed about it. He thinks you should load for volume. I know you should load for effective washing and the angles of the jets. It’s a small thing, but the fact that we can’t agree on it honestly drives me nuts.” —Amy*, 26, just married
- “The hardest part of marriage is divvying house chores fairly, especially when we're both busy and all we want to do is sit down. Our most common bickers are whose ‘turn’ it is to do certain chores like taking out the trash or cleaning the litter box. Otherwise, marriage is the fun part. It's life that's hard.” —Ali, 30, one year married
- “The hardest part of marriage so far? Not having my own space. I used to be able to come home, close the door, and just exist in silence. Now there’s always someone around—talking, eating, breathing. I love my wife, but sometimes I just want to sit in a quiet room and not be perceived.” —Sophie, 29, two years married
- “Falling into the roommate phase after kids: I love my significant other and want to be intimate, but there just aren’t enough hours in the day between working, pumping, and eating the crumbs my little one leaves behind. By the end of the day, all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. Intimacy starts to feel like another chore—just one more dish piling up in the overflowing sink. We’ve fallen into a roommate phase, and it frankly sucks. I thought our first year of marriage—moving across the country, dealing with health issues, starting fresh—was hard. This tops it. Now we’re two ships passing in the night, with the added tension of in-laws, baby decisions, and the occasional diaper blowout.” —AJ, 31, three years married
- “I was always a strict aisle-seat girlie as a single, solo flyer. But once we got married and started booking all our flights together, I realized I’d become tribute to the middle seat. Little compromises that add up over time in the name of love.” —Andrea, 31, four years married
- “When I had my own house, I had a peachy pink bedroom, minty green bathrooms, and bright teal everywhere. My husband’s house before I moved in was tan, beige, brown, and navy. He finds brown tones comforting. I don’t. We moved to a new house two years ago, and it’s almost exclusively painted white. We’ve just left it that way—partly because we have a toddler and a baby, and painting sounds like a nightmare—but mostly because I don’t want to go to ACE three different times for paint swatches he’ll veto anyway.” —Caitlin, 33, five years married
- “One of the hardest parts of marriage is parenting decisions. It’s impossible to have every discussion before you get married, especially since your opinions on things can totally change once you actually have kids—like vaccines, discipline styles, sleep or potty training methods, baby-led weaning vs. purees, or when to introduce screens. There’s just so much you can’t predict until you’re in it.” —Allison, 34, six years married
- "Choosing the right person is the hardest part. If you choose right, it’s easy, and if you choose wrong, it’s impossible. It’s the most critical decision you’ll ever make. Your career, all that other stuff, is secondary. Your spouse will either hold you up or drag you down for the entire rest of your life. Choosing someone who thinks you're cool and fun is kind of the only key. They should brag about you to their friends. My wife used to get the entire bar standing up and clapping when I crossed the street to meet her and our friends there for drinks. Marriage is hard when you're married to someone who isn’t obsessed with you. —Shannon, 33, seven years married
- “Wanting to kill them and not actually doing it. Marriage, co-parenting, and being roommates is a lot for anyone. Every day there are things that annoy me, and not hating him—or letting resentment fester—is the goal. But seriously: If there’s no murder by bedtime, that’s a win. Anyone who acts otherwise is either 1) recently married, 2) lobotomized, or 3) a liar.” —Sloane*, 36, eight years married
- “The hardest part of marriage for me is carrying the invisible load. I’m the one keeping track of the grocery list, the birthday gifts, the laundry schedule, the school emails, the doctor appointments, you name it. Even when there’s finally a sliver of free time, we can’t always agree on how to spend it. He wants to relax, I want to get things done, and somehow that tiny window of downtime turns into another thing to navigate. It’s not that my husband doesn’t help, it’s just that there’s always something left to manage. After nine years, I’ve accepted that marriage is equal parts love, logistics, and trying not to resent whoever got to leave the house alone that weekend.” —Megan, 38, nine years married
- “The phases of marriage are challenging, and learning to grow through each one together is wild. I got pregnant right after our honeymoon, and nine months of a high-risk pregnancy were really tough. Becoming parents was a total rollercoaster. You’re so happy because, wow, you made this tiny baby—but then resentment and postpartum hit hard. He’d be washing bottles or taking out the trash while I was constantly tending to the baby. Then boom, six months later, another positive pregnancy test. Two under two isn’t for the weak. He was chasing our toddler while I was back to pumping full-time, and we were just surviving.
Now that the kids are older, it finally feels like we’re finding each other again. We can actually sit in bed, cuddle, and just be together. We never stopped loving each other during that roommate phase, but it did feel like we were missing each other. I wouldn’t change any of it, but that doesn’t mean some days aren’t brutal.” —Kayla, 32, married 10 years - “To put it very bluntly: Sex. I love my partner, and I always will, but I just don’t love having sex anymore. I wish I did—but I don’t. And fights about sex (or lack thereof) make the concept of sex even more unsexy.” —Annie, 41, married 14 years
- “Juggling everyone else’s needs. Our parents are getting older, our kids still need us constantly, and we’re just in the middle trying to hold it all together. There’s always someone who needs something—help, a favor, a call back—and by the end of the day, there’s barely any time left for each other. It’s not that anything’s wrong, it’s just… a lot. Some nights we look at each other and realize we’ve talked to everyone else but not to each other.” —Erica, 45, married 20 years
- “The hardest part of marriage is forgiving what you can’t forget. After decades together, you both make mistakes. You say things, you do things, you don’t do things. Choosing to stay through the hard moments is one thing, but actually forgiving them is another. Marriage is a choice, and so is forgiveness, but that one doesn’t always come easy. Letting go of resentment and remembering that your partner’s human too—and still growing, just like you—is hard, no matter if you’ve been married four years or 40.” —Katherine, 65, married 40 years
- “That it ends. Whether by divorce or death, forever feels much shorter after you blink and realize it’s almost over.” —Rose, 84, married 62 years, widowed 9 years
*Name has been changed.
