I hope it goes without saying that I take my role as Cosmo’s resident toxic dating trend expert quite seriously. But I’ll admit that behind the scenes, I’ve been known to occasionally side-eye a new dating term that’s supposedly dominating the discourse on the grounds that it’s...just not a real thing that anyone actually says. (Not naming any names.) Today is not one of those days, however. Because I’m afraid that “ghostlighting,” the latest dating trend to make its way to my desk, is all too real.
A portmanteau of “ghosting” and “gaslighting,” ghostlighting is when someone effectively ghosts/slow fades on you, only to randomly pop back up later and reinitiate conversation as if nothing happened, all while acting like you’re crazy if you call them out on it. For example, if you mention that it’s been a minute and ask them where they’ve been, a ghostlighter might act confused or deny that it’s been a significant amount of time since they were last in touch. They might question your response and suggest you’re being too sensitive, or get defensive and deflect with something passive-aggressive like, “I didn’t know there was a daily text quota,” or “I didn’t realize you needed so much attention.” Whichever route the ghostlighter takes, the point is they’re trying to make you doubt yourself, the reality of the situation, and the validity of your feelings re: their behavior—hence the “gaslighting” part.
In other words, this toxic mashup of ghosting plus gaslighting is the nightmare of a crossover episode absolutely no one wanted but pretty much all of us have experienced at one time or another at the hands of a sleazy ex or careless situationship.
The Washington Post recently named ghostlighting a dating “orange flag,” which psychologist Sarah Gundle, PsyD defines as behaviors that are more subtle than obvious red flags but ultimately no less destructive. While ghostlighting may seem like a fairly minor infraction in the grand scheme of dating drama, Dr. Gundle calls its effect “destabilizing,” causing the ghostlighted party to doubt their own perceptions or question whether they’re asking for too much from a partner. As a result, “Ghostlighting keeps you off-balance and less likely to call out behavior that you know instinctively is wrong,” Dr. Gundle writes, noting that women may be especially vulnerable to this kind of gaslighting thanks to our fear of being labeled “needy” for simply wanting a baseline level of consistent communication from a romantic interest.
There’s quite a bit of discourse these days about “therapy speak” and the ways in which legitimate terms like “gaslighting” or “love bombing” get thrown around too carelessly. While I think there are valid critiques to be made in that vein, I’d argue that the more aware we are of these insidious tactics and the more prepared we are to identify them and call them out, no matter how subtle they may be, the better. These things may start small, à la ghostlighting. But when someone makes you worry that you’re asking for too much from a relationship, it’s a manipulation tactic designed to make you settle for less—and it definitely won’t stop there. That orange flag is actually bright red, my friend! Time to stop, drop, and roll on out of there!
And if you’d like to avoid getting ghostlit all together, here’s a handy rule of thumb: If an ex who ghosted you wants to attempt to come back into your life, they’d better damn well have a good explanation for their disappearance—ideally one that involves them getting kidnapped and held hostage without access to their phone and spending every tortured hour devastated by the idea that you’d think they ghosted you. Anything less than that gets a quick block and delete. Hope this helps!
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