142 Funny Jokes Guaranteed to Keep You Giggling

Okay, okay, we're not claiming to be John Mulaney or Hannah Berner, but sometimes you just need a funny joke up your sleeve. Maybe a first date just got a bit awkward and you need a classic dad joke, or you're trying to make your niece laugh with a knock-knock joke. Maybe you need to help a friend cheer up, or you've just been approached by one of those TikTokers shouting, "If you make me laugh, I will buy you a car!" No matter the problem, we've got a hilarious solution.

Scroll down, and you'll find 142 funny jokes locked and loaded for when you or your loved ones really need a laugh. Feel free to bookmark this page—we won't tell anyone you got 'em from us.

• How do you know if a vampire is unwell? Because he'll be coffin.

• Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand shops.

• Why did the bicycle collapse? It was too tired.

• What kind of music do bubbles hate? Pop.

• Why did the hairdresser win the race? He knew a shortcut.

• How did the picture end up in prison? It was framed.

• What do solicitors wear to work? Lawsuits.

• Why did the bullet lose its job? It got fired.

• Why can’t a toe be 12 inches long? Then it’d be a foot.

• Want to hear a joke about a roof? The first one’s on the house.

• What does a house wear? Address!

• What did one wall say to the other? "I'll meet you at the corner."

• Why is grass so dangerous? It’s full of blades.

• What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot.

• Why do French people eat snails? They don’t like fast food.

• Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing? A meatball.

• How do trees get online? They just log on!

• How do billboards talk? Sign language.

• What’s America’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

• Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

• How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.

• Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? She’ll let it go.

• What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.

• What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

• Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

• How do you follow a book? You track their footnotes.

• What tree can fit in your hand? A palm tree.

• Why are astronauts so clean? They take meteor showers.

• Why are ghosts bad liars? They’re totally see-through.

• How do poets say hello? Haven’t we metaphor?

• RIP to boiling water... You will be mist.

• How does the ocean say hi? It waves.

• How did the art competition end? In a draw.

• Where can you buy soup in bulk? The stock market.

• What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

• Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.

• Sea monsters have been known to eat what? Fish and ships.

• What do you call a vicar who becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.

• What kind of cheese doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.

• How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

• Which month of the year has 28 days? Um, all of them.

• Why was the broom late to work? It overswept.

• What does a pig use in the shower? Hog wash.

• Why don’t ants get sick? They have anty-bodies.

• What did the drummer call his daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2.

• Why do computers overheat? They need to vent.

• What goes up and down but doesn’t actually move? Stairs.

• What do PHD students eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.

• Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door? In case there's a salad dressing.

• Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking? He was on a roll.

• Why do prawns never share? Because they're shellfish.

• What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror? Halloumi!

• Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.

• Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.

• What did one pickle say to the other? Dill with it.

• What food is never on time? Choco-late!

• What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

• What do you call a cup of coffee with a pair of trousers in it? A cupachinos.

• What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? Gourdgeous.

• How does Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.

• What nuts always seem to have a cold? Cashews.

• Who is green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

• What is the favorite fruit of twins? Pears.

• What do you give to cure a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.

• What would you call a peanut in space? An astronut.

• I could tell you a pizza joke… But it would probably be cheesy.

• What happens when a walnut laughs heavily? It cracks up.

• Excuse me sir, will my pizza be long? No, it’ll be round.

• What’s the saddest fruit? A blueberry.

• Where did the lettuce go for a drink? The salad bar.

• Why do fish live in salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze.

• What are spiders really good at? Surfing the web.

• What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.

• How does a farmer keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.

• What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.

• Why don't they play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

• What social events do spiders love to attend? Webbings.

• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

• Why aren’t koalas considered bears? They don’t have the right koala-fications.

• What do you call a well-balanced horse? Stable.

• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

• What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!

• Where do cows go on Friday nights? The mooovies.

• How do you make a baby snake cry? Take away its rattle.

• What do you call a chicken that makes jokes? A comedihen.

• What are caterpillars scared of? Dogerpillars.

• Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

• Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey.

• Why can’t the leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.

• What kind of jacket does an octopus wear? An army jacket.

• What sort of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.

• I was told I needed to stop acting like a flamingo... So I put my foot down.

• Where do horses live? In neighhhhhbourhoods.

• What do you call a goat who paints pictures? Vincent Van Goat!

• Why are mice afraid of swimming? Catfish!

• What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head? A-Dell.

• When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

• What do toilets do when they're embarrassed? They get a bit flush.

• How do you organize a space-themed party? You planet.

• Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.

• Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired? He had a hard drive.

• What do runners eat before a race? Nothing. They fast.

• How do you stop an astronaut’s toddler from crying? You rocket.

• What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.

• Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil? Because it's point-less.

• What did the policeman say to his nipple? You're under a vest.

• Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet? He kept getting lost at C.

• Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball.

• What did the dentist win at the competition? A little plaque.

• What do you call a skeleton with only a head? A nobody.

• What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's very heavy, and the other’s a little lighter.

• Why do ghosts like to take the elevator? It lifts their spirits.

• What do you call a patronizing bear? A pan-duh.

• Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

• Why didn't the skeleton ever go on dates? He didn't have the guts to ask anyone.

• Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.

• Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? He's a bit of a pain in the neck.

• What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike.

• What do you call a retired vegetable? A has-bean.

• Can February March? No, but April May!

• Why shouldn't you marry a calendar? Its days are numbered.

• What do you call a detective that accidentally solves the case? Sheer Luck Holmes.

• What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

• What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner, it’s 90 degrees.

• What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.

• Why did Shakespeare always write with a pen? Because pencils made him ask ‘2B or not 2B’?

• What does one eye say to the other eye? Something between us smells.

• What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.

• Why should you never trust stairs? They’re always up to something.

• What’s the spookiest kind of author? A ghost writer.

• What did the comedian say to Harry Potter? Why so Sirius?

• Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.

• What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a keyboard? The space bar.

• Did you hear about the people who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

• Why is it hard to eat near basketball players? They dribble all the time.

• Did you hear about the actor falling through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

• Did you hear about the group ski trip? It went downhill fast.

• Why did you decide to get rid of your vacuum? It was just collecting dust.

• This is my step-ladder… I never knew my real ladder.

• I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know why.

• I was going to take a bath… But then decided I was going to leave it where it was.

• A bossy man walked into a bar… And ordered everyone a round.