If you’re new to the world of lesbian sex—first of all, hello! Welcome! You’re going to love it here. Also, you may have some questions (and/or anxieties) re: how it’s done. Luckily, you’ve come to the right place. Your complete beginner’s guide to first-time lesbian sex awaits.
But before we dive in, let’s quickly clarify something: real-life sex between women and femmes has little to nothing to do with the male-gazey stereotypes you’re likely to encounter in most (free) lesbian porn, which tends to depict highly unrealistic fantasies for the enjoyment of men, explains Pam Shaffer, MFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist. (For a more realistic, ethical, and actually useful frame of reference for sapphic sexual experiences, consider checking out these feminist porn sites.)
Also, while the term “lesbian sex” generally refers to sex between women, it’s important to note that not all women who have sex with women identify as lesbians, and not all lesbian sex happens between women. As queer sex therapist Shae Harmon explains, people of many different genders—including non-binary, agender, and transgender folks—may identify as lesbians. This inclusive guide aims to provide expert-backed insight for people of all genders and sexualities who have (or may be interested in having!) sapphic sex of any kind, and will continue to use “lesbian sex” as a catch-all term to encompass this diverse array of identities and experiences. Let’s get into it, shall we?
What to Know Before Having First-Time Lesbian Sex
One of the most important things to know about lesbian sex before having it for the first time—especially if you’ve exclusively had hetero sex in the past—is that it is, ultimately, just sex. Yes, it’s different because all sexual experiences are unique, but relationship therapist Veronica Price cautions against getting too caught up in the idea of queer sex being “queer sex.” When you’re hyper-focused on trying out a new kind of sexual experience, you run the risk of reducing that experience to “a fantasy about how you have sex, not who you have sex with,” Price explains. “Curiosity about sex with a woman is more about exploring your sexuality, not checking off a box or acting out a fantasy.”
A few more things to be mindful of...
Get Familiar With the Territory
Again, not all women or lesbians have vulvas. But if your first experience with lesbian sex is going to involve different genitalia than you’ve typically interacted with in the past, it’s worth preparing yourself for the reality that things are probably going to look different from what you’re used to. This might seem obvious, but Price says it’s definitely good to consider before you dive below. Even if you and your partner both have vulvas and vaginas, that doesn’t mean you’re going to be identical.
Price notes that for most vagina-havers, our own vulvas basically serve as a personal “blueprint” for what that part of the body looks like. Of course, like all parts of all bodies, vulvas come in all shapes, sizes, colors, etc. And while all of this diversity is completely normal, “it can be a little shocking to see one up close and personal” if you haven’t been exposed to a wide range of genitals beyond your own, says Price. Make sure you go in prepared to encounter the unexpected (and be cool about it!).
It may also be worth checking out sex-positive IG and TikTok accounts, like The Vulva Gallery, that share art focused on vulva diversity, to familiarize yourself with the territory.
Do Your Homework
Learn your stuff. Sex is a learned behavior and being good at it is a skill that can be developed. There is always a lot of learning to do with new partners—no matter your experience level—but doing some basic prep work can both enhance your ability to give pleasure and boost your confidence.
“Take a workshop, read an article, hire a sex educator, or watch some helpful videos on anatomy, erogenous zones, and pleasure hot spots,” adds Linnea Marie, a board-certified sex educator.
Discuss Boundaries and Consent
Communication is essential. Before things get started, you should absolutely initiate a sex talk with your partner. Discuss your experience levels (so each person knows what to expect from the other) and dive into boundaries, hard limits, and interests.
Here are some prompts to get you started:
- What are you most looking forward to?
- Is there anything you’re uncomfortable trying at this point?
- Are you comfortable with fingering?
- Are you comfortable with oral sex?
- How about any anal play?
- Would you feel comfortable if we incorporated toys? What about a strap-on?
Your first-time lesbian sex experience maybe isn’t the time to dive immediately into BDSM sex, but even if you’re not planning on getting super kinky, don’t be afraid to establish a safe word (like “pineapple” or “red”) that you can use if anything is getting to be too much or you start feeling uncomfortable. These safe words will ensure nothing goes past your comfort level.
Be Mindful of Sexual Health and Safety
As with all sex all the time, it’s important to be mindful of the transmission of STIs. Studies show that women who have sex with other women rarely use barrier protection, despite still being at risk of spreading and contracting sexually transmitted infections. So in addition to talking to your partner about their sexual history and when they were last tested, you may want to invest in some dental dams or Lorals, the only FDA approved latex panties designed specifically to prevent STIs during oral sex.
On the hygiene front, one thing you may want to be a little extra cautious of is washing your hands just before sex, especially under your nails, says public health practitioner Janielle Bryan, noting that some sexually transmitted infections can also be spread by mutual masturbation, fingers, and hands, as can other infections like UTIs.
And speaking of hands, it’s a bit of a lesbian sex trope that you can’t have long nails and have sex with women. But frankly, many queer women beg to differ. Acrylic and dip nails are still possible—and can even be enjoyable!—during penetrative sex. They’re thicker and less sharp than regular nails, which makes them less dangerously scratchy. And if you’re getting poke-your-eye-out stiletto tips, psychotherapist Rachel Harlich suggests putting cotton balls in the fingertips of a glove. Genius!
As far as natural nails, they tend to be thinner and sharper. As long as they’re trimmed down, though, they certainly allow for more dexterity. But honestly, best to ask your partner what they prefer to ensure no anxieties about scratches and/or hangnails.
10 Beginner-Friendly Tips for First-Time Lesbian Sex
1. Go Slow
Bryan says that taking it slow “gives you time to relax and get familiar with your partner’s body.” She adds that it’s pretty much the easiest way to alleviate all of those “I’m-doing-something-new” anxieties and can help you find more confidence in your skills.
And although an orgasm shouldn’t be the end-all-be-all of your sex sessions, taking it slow will certainly help you and/or your partner get there. “Vulvas need prolonged, repetitive stimulation to reach climax,” says Bryan, who suggests slowly increasing the intensity of whatever kind of stimulation you’re providing until your partner either hits their peak or tells you to stop.
2. Foreplay Is Just as Important as Ever
The concept of “foreplay” may be a bit outdated and heteronormative in that it tends to position penetrative sex that ends in a male orgasm as the end-all, be-all of “real sex” and everything that comes before it as a mere appetizer. That said, taking time to explore other forms of touch and play with your play with your partner before driving right into the height of the action is still important, regardless of gender. Experiment with deep kissing, stimulating other erogenous zones like the nipples, neck, inner thighs, exchanging sensual massages, or anything else that gets you and your partner turned on.
And when it comes to the vulva? You want to take your time, D’Angelo says. “Never go right for these sensitive areas until your partner has had a chance to warm up and get turned on. Then you can slowly introduce touch to these sensitive parts of the body.”
3. Experiment With Different Positions
Contrary to many a stereotype, scissoring is not the only way to have lesbian sex. (Although, yes, it’s certainly an option.) There’s an endless number of lesbian sex positions to try, including oral sex, fingering, anal, and penetrative positions. Don’t be afraid to get creative!
4. Use Toys
Toys, toys, toys. Bring in all the toys! Linnea Marie, a board-certified sex educator, says getting your favorite vibrators and other sexcessories involved can enhance pleasure and the overall experience.
5. Relax
Try not to overthink it. Having sex for the first time in a new way can be anxiety provoking, but the more you can let go and relax, the more enjoyable the experience will be. “When the chemistry is there and the sexual tension is heightened, going with the flow and paying attention to the cues your partner(s) is giving will help guide you,” Marie says.
6. Try Mutual Masturbation
You can even try masturbating with each other. Mutual masturbation is a pretty low-risk, easy way to get things kicked off—as long as you feel comfortable touching yourself in front of your partner. It can also be a great learning experience for you both: not only can you show them how you like to be touched, but they can show you how they like to be touched.
7. Pay Attention to Body Language
Try to be on the lookout for body language cues. It’s obviously crucial to respect and honor what your partner says, but in addition to their words, Price says to pay attention to their sounds and bodily responses to your touch as well. “If they’re acting like they like something, do more or that. If they’re not reacting, do less of that,” she explains. When in doubt, check in verbally. A simple “Does this feel good?” or “How does this feel?” goes a long way.
8. Lube Is Your Friend
Don’t forget the lube! Because, no, lube very much is not just for P-in-V sex. While vaginas self-lubricate, it never hurts to add a little something extra to make sure there’s no unwanted friction.
Opt for a water-based lube if you’re using latex barrier methods. And if you’re with a trusted partner you’ve decided to fluid bond with, silicone and oil-based lubes can be used too—just never use them with condoms since those ingredients can break down latex.
9. Don’t Be Afraid to Press Pause
Take breaks if you need them. Since women have a shorter refractory period, most lesbian sex doesn’t have a particular stop point. But just because you can go for hours without a break doesn’t mean you should. Take time to recharge, reset, and check in with each other.
It’s also important to know that you can stop in the middle if you want to. In fact, you can stop at any time you want. You don’t have to “finish” anything.
10. Have Fun!
And, remember, sex should be fun! Don’t try to perform or pretend like you’re more experienced than you are. Obviously, it’s normal to want to be good for your partner and show off your skills, but know that it’s a process that takes time.
So relax. Take the pressure off, enjoy the moment, and have fun exploring this new side of your sexual self.
