If you and your partner are in love and having the time of your lives together, marriage may seem like a no-brainer. But even if you both agree that tying the knot is the natural next step for your relationship, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re actually ready to take that step. Not to ruin the vibes, but a strong, successful marriage requires two partners to be aligned on more than just being in love and wanting to get married.
When it comes to a lifelong commitment, there are number of practical concerns that both parties need to discuss, carefully consider, and ensure they’re aligned on before committing to a lifetime together. This means there are certain conversations every couple should have before swearing ’til death do them part—and ideally well before they even think about actually heading down the aisle.
We asked relationship expert Tara Caffelle for her thoughts on the most important things partners need to talk through before deciding to get married. Below, the 10 chats all couples should have before their big day.
1. Money
Have an open, honest conversation about money, your uses for it, how you like to save and spend, and your financial goals for the future. No answers are wrong, but it’s important to avoid surprises (and also conflict) down the road.
2. Sex
Sex can be one of the most fun parts of a relationship, but it can also become an issue if there are differing expectations about how much of it is being had...or isn’t. The important thing is to talk about how much sex you’d each ideally like to be having, as well as any other desires, fantasies, or other things you’d like (or not like) to experience in your shared sex life.
3. Love Languages
Discuss how each of you gives and receives love. If there is a difference—and there is likely to be—partners may end up feeling unloved or under-appreciated if they don’t speak each other’s love languages.
4. Intimacy
Beyond sex, intimacy is the real foundation of a successful relationship. This is the vulnerable stuff, and it may take some bravery to open up. If you’re both willing to deepen your connection, your relationship will only continue to bloom.
5. The Future
What are your goals and visions? How might you support one another in going after them? It’s okay to not be on identical paths, but it’s important to identify commonalities and areas you can work at as a team to achieve both your shared and individual goals.
6) Children
With more people choosing to not have children, this is a topic that’s no longer a foregone conclusion when a couple marries. Talk about your expectations around when, and if, you’ll start a family, how you would approach raising your kids, and what sort of home you would like to build around them.
7) Expectations for Family Relationships
Getting married means you’re blending two families, along with their traditions, expectations and dynamics, so it’s important to talk about this ahead of time. Define how your new family will celebrate holidays and how you will choose to spend that time. Recognize that you are now a team and a family unit of your own.
8) Fidelity
This is a really important topic, even if a couple agrees that they’ll be monogamous, there may be varying ideas about what that actually looks like. Is one partner expecting that their spouse will never again speak to a member of the opposite sex, or is it okay to maintain friendships with exes? Talk about this beforehand.
9) Fighting
There will be conflict in any relationship, and that’s normal. If there isn’t, that just means the people in the relationship are perhaps not entirely engaged in it. With this inevitability, it’ll serve you well to talk about how you each approach conflict. This means designing how you’ll approach conflict and deciding on some strategies to employ that work for you. For instance, it doesn’t work for all couples to rush to resolve their conflicts in order to “not go to bed angry.” Sometimes you won’t be able to address it all before bed and will have to agree to continue your discussions in the morning.
10) End of Life
This should be an ongoing discussion, but it’s really never too early to learn about your partner's preferences for care if they were very ill. This is something you can speak about with your entire family, actually, and it provides more peace of mind as the “sickness and health” part of the vows eventually becomes a reality.
