The last few years have been huge for sapphic representation in pop culture, from stars like Reneé Rapp and Gabby Windey coming out as lesbian to Chappell Roan blessing us with queer banger after queer banger. But this summer, we’ve also seen a number of queer women in the spotlight hard-launching relationships with men, including Jojo Siwa and Fletcher. These seeming pivots to heterosexual-presenting relationships have generated quite a bit of discourse online, much of which has centered around the concept of “comphet”—short for “compulsory heterosexuality.”
Comphet—coined by feminist writer Adrienne Rich in the 1980 essay Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence—refers to heteronormative views that present heterosexuality as the “default” or only “valid” sexual orientation and enforce the idea that everyone is expected to be straight.
Most recently, artist Betty Who’s controversial comments regarding Reneé Rapp’s sexuality have added fuel to the ongoing comphet discourse. “Reneé Rapp is like, ‘You’ll never catch me dating a man.’ It’s like, ‘Go off, queen! I love that for you,’” Betty (who identifies as bisexual and queer and is married to a man) said in a now-viral appearance on Mallorie Glowenke’s Made It Out podcast. “But I also hold space for her in ten years if she goes, ‘Oops, I met the love of my life and it’s this man, I didn’t mean to.’ It’s like, that’s okay!”
While Betty has since issued an apology stating it was not her intention to reinforce “ideas that were harmful or dismissive, particularly toward the lesbian community,” many felt her comments were reflective of the problematic comphet notion that lesbian women “are just women who haven’t met the right man yet.”
If you’re just catching up, here’s a rundown on compulsory heterosexuality, from the origins of the term to what it means and how comphet persists in our culture and continues to affect LGBTQ+ people today.
What Is Compulsory Heterosexuality?
According to sex writer Cheyenne M. Davis (she/they), compulsory heterosexuality is the notion that heterosexuality is the only valid sexuality and that everyone should be/is expected to be straight.
“It is harmful to queer, trans, and/or non-cisgender folk,” they say. “It erases and demonizes these identities while simultaneously trying to force us to adopt a system where we must perform straightness and cisness.”
This can look like your mom insinuating that you’re dating your guy friend, your new coworker asking you if you have a boyfriend, or someone asking your gay brother when he’s going to “find a wife and settle down.”
“Under this idea, anyone who isn’t heterosexual is considered deviant,” says Luna Matatas (she/her), pleasure educator and creator of Peg the Patriarchy. “It promotes stigma, reinforces grounds for discrimination, and limits the understanding of sexuality and gender as expansive and fluid.”
Although compulsory heterosexuality can be overt, Sam Riddell (she/her), a queer videographer and cohost of Inner Hoe Uprising, explains that it’s often more subtle and insidious.
“Compulsory heterosexuality is the societal nudge that pushes folks into opting into heterosexual relationships regardless of whether or not they truly desire to do so,” she says.
In other words, compulsory heterosexuality can mean things like only looking for straight people on Tinder because all your friends are doing it or picturing yourself eventually having a straight wedding because you grew up watching straight rom-coms and seeing straight brides in magazines.
The History of Compulsory Heterosexuality
As noted above, the phrase “compulsory heterosexuality” was coined in feminist lesbian writer Adrienne Rich’s 1980 essay Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence. In the essay, Rich discusses how harmful ideas about lesbians, like “they’re not really gay” or “they just haven’t met the right guy,” are rooted in patriarchy, i.e., denying women their own sexuality and forcing them into domestic roles like wives and mothers.
She talks about how sex is usually centered around cis men and their pleasure and that conversations about sex usually don’t discuss women and AFAB people.
“Rich wrote that heterosexuality is seen as the only acceptable sexuality, and society creates systems of oppression based on this idea, through institutions in education, justice, and health,” says Matatas. “This hopes to enforce heterosexuality as natural and queerness as deviant.”
As Rich describes, when heterosexuality is seen as “expected” or as the only acceptable identity, queer people feel pressure to be straight.
“It creates an obligation to go with the status quo,” Matatas says. “It might prevent someone from exploring their sexuality and gender or honoring what they know to be true about their sexual orientation.”
How Lesbians and Queer Women Are Affected by Comphet
In the frequently resurfaced “Am I a Lesbian” Masterdoc—a 31-page resource for questioning sapphics written by Angeli Luz and originally published on Tumblr in 2018—Luz notes that while compulsory heterosexuality affects people of all genders and sexualities, it especially affects lesbians and queer women. “This is because compulsory heterosexuality easily ties in with the misogyny that causes women’s sexualities and identities to be defined by our relationships with men,” she says.
As Luz describes, the social pressures that tell you to be “chill” so boys will like you or to start planning your wedding as a child are the same pressures that make getting a boyfriend seem like an achievement. While this is something all women and AFAB people have to deal with, lesbian and queer women have to navigate misogyny and people assuming they will end up with men when they have no intention of doing so.
“When you’re trained from childhood to see romantic/sexual relationships with men—and only men—as major life goals, how do you separate that from what you want?” says Luz.
According to Luz, compulsory heterosexuality can feel like a voice in lesbian or queer women’s heads that says they must be straight, even when they are dating women. If your family is asking you if you’re “really” gay, your boss said they didn’t “realize” you were gay, or your friends say they don’t think you’ll “end up” with women, compulsory heterosexuality may make you question your queer identity.
“Compulsory heterosexuality is what forces lesbians to struggle through learning the difference between what you’ve been taught you want (being with men) and what you do want (being with women), which is why so many lesbians have dated men at some point,” Luz says.
How Other LGBTQ+ People Are Affected by Comphet
Comphet affects other LGBTQ+ identities as well. For instance, a gay man may deal with compulsory heterosexuality if people assume he is straight, or a bisexual woman may deal with it if someone says they’re “not really bi.”
Matatas says that comphet often functions in tandem with other systems of oppression, like racism, ableism, fatphobia, and classism.
“When we create any kind of hierarchy, it inevitably supports other hierarchies in society,” she says. “Compulsory heterosexuality is rooted in white colonial masculinity, where systems of white supremacy and patriarchy support the idea that heterosexuality and the gender binary are the norm.”
As Matatas notes, for queer and trans people—especially queer and trans people of color (QTPOC)—falling outside of the prescribed societal norm can increase your risk for violence, disenfranchisement, and employment discrimination and decrease your access to health care and media representation. This means that comphet affects all queer people but especially affects queer people of other marginalized identities.
How Comphet Is Distinct From Related Terms Like Heteronormative, Cisnormative, and Cishet
Per Riddell, “Heteronormativity is the societal perception that heterosexual relationships are the standard and all other kinds of relationships are ‘other.’” Heteronormativity functions as the driving factor behind comphet, although it’s a little different from it.
Heteronormativity is the objective notion of assuming straightness, where comphet generally describes an individual feeling these pressures.
As Riddell puts it, comphet happens because of heteronormativity, i.e., queer people may never “come out” or bi-curious people may never explore their sexuality because they feel pressure to be straight, and being in a straight relationship gives you straight privileges.
“Some of these privileges include public safety and freedom from harassment, historically the ability to marry, more recently the ability to adopt and foster children without fear of being discriminated against in certain states,” she says.
“Heteronormativity is a collection of behaviors and values based on enforcing comphet institutions,” Matatas says. “Heteronormativity assumes a gender binary and protects certain comphet institutions, like assuming that marriage is only between a cis man and a cis woman.”
Matatas adds that because straight relationships are often romanticized in movies, TV, and books, queer people may feel pressure to “behave” by heternormative standards. This pressure to live by heternormative standards is comphet at work.
Cisnormative is a term similar to heteronormative but about gender. Reminder: A cis person is one who identifies with their assigned gender at birth. Cisnormativity means assuming that everyone is cis and therefore framing being transgender as as a “deviation” from that norm.
Cishet is an abbreviation for someone who is cisgender and heterosexual. It can be used as a noun, i.e., someone who is cisgender and heterosexual, or as an adjective, i.e., something that depicts/is reminiscent of cisgender and heterosexual people.
Although some cishet people may perpetuate heteronormativity, there are many cishet allies who support queer and trans people. Bring cishet doesn’t mean that you are homophobic or heteronormative—it just means you’re cisgender and heterosexual.
What to Do If You’re Affected by Comphet
If you’re a queer person and you’re dealing with internal or external comphet, it can help to engage with queer-positive media and connect with queer communities. Additionally, finding LGBTQ+ centers in your area or online groups like PFLAG, Trevor Space, and Empty Closets.
If you’re questioning your identity and feeling affected by comphet, the experts note that it can be helpful to speak with a queer-affirming therapist or mental health expert. Also, talking to LGBTQ+ people and hearing about other’s experiences may help you navigate your own path. Listening to more queer podcasts and watching more TV shows or movies with queer characters can widen your exposure to queer people.
If you’re a cishet person who is committed to being an ally and to dismantling comphet, try to be intentional with your language. Terms like “date” or “partner” are gender inclusive and don’t assume that someone is straight. For example, you can say things like “are you bringing a date tonight?” or “are you seeing anyone?” rather than “are you bringing a guy?” or “do you have a boyfriend?”
Additionally, you can do your part in your school or workplace to ensure that queer people feel comfortable talking about their lives and/or bringing their partners to any events. If someone comes out to you, be supportive and validating rather than saying “I never would have known” or “I didn’t think you were gay.”
