Portions of this article appear in Kink Curious: A Guide to Exploring Your Kinks, Dispelling Shame, and Staying Safe, a new book by sex educator, psychotherapist, and frequent Cosmopolitan contributor Gigi Engle.
Brand new to BDSM? You’ve come to the right place. Whether you’re already thinking about getting into kink yourself or are genuinely just curious, there’s a lot to learn—so let’s skip the small talk and get right into it, shall we?
BDSM is an expansive subgenre of kink encompassing a wide variety of sexual activities that may fall under the categories of bondage and discipline, Dominance and submission, and/or sadism and masochism. (These terms make up the acronym.)
While the most baseline understanding of BDSM may invoke whips and chains and Red Rooms of Pain, there’s a lot more to it than just handcuffs and spankings. At its core, BDSM is all about the consensual exchange of control.“But it’s also about playfulness, expression, and exploration,” says certified sex coach Celina Criss, PhD. “It’s an opportunity to explore desires and embrace parts of yourself that might not have another socially accepted outlet.”
In short, BDSM is incredibly nuanced, and that nuance includes potential risks, downsides, and safety considerations in addition to the many benefits it can bring to your sex life. While there are accessible entry points for even the least experienced of aspiring kinksters, the first step to engaging with BDSM safely and enjoyably is to learn as much about it as possible. The following beginner’s guide to BDSM—featuring an expert-backed breakdown of what it is, what it’s not, how to do it, and what to know beforehand—is a great place to start.
What Is BDSM?
BDSM is an acronym that stands for bondage/discipline, Dominance/submission, and sadomasochism. It is a specific kind of play that falls under the broader umbrella term of kink and encompasses a wide variety of practices involving power dynamics and intense sensations.
BDSM play may include (but is not limited to) activities like:
- Spanking/Impact play: Using implements and hands to spank/whip/flog a submissive partner
- Bondage: The use of ropes, cuffs, and other restraints
- Discipline: When a Dom punishes a sub via words or actions
- Humiliation/Degradation: The use of certain words or behaviors to consensually degrade a sub
- Sensory play: Engaging or restricting the senses to intensify arousal (e.g. blindfolds, temperature play, etc.)
- Various role-play dynamics (Caregiver/little, Pet Owner/pet, Master/slave, etc.)
Why Are People Into BDSM?
“People like BDSM because it’s psychologically and physically thrilling, pleasurable, and fulfills needs, just like any typical sexual act would,” says kink instructor and sex expert Julieta Chiara.
Sexologist Ness Cooper adds that high-intensity activities like pain-play and bondage can also cause the brain to release chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and cortisol, which can create a feeling of euphoria. “Pain and pleasure are closely related and processed in the same parts of the brain, meaning that those who are into receiving consensual pain can feel pleasure from BDSM acts,” Cooper explains.
Emotionally, engaging in these activities can also foster intimacy between partners, as there’s a huge amount of vulnerability and trust involved in the consensual exchange of control.
Understanding the Dom/Sub Dynamic
The consensual power exchange between a Dominant partner and a submissive partner—known as the Dom/sub (or D/s) dynamic—is the heart of BDSM. This typically involves the sub consensually ceding power/control to the Dom and may include physical, emotional, and/or psychological elements. This power dynamic may take place exclusively within a specific sexual encounter—often referred to as a “scene” in kink—or it may be part of an ongoing Dom/sub relationship that extends beyond the bedroom.
What Does It Mean to Be Dominant?
Generally speaking, a Dominant partner is the one in a position of power within a BDSM scene or relationship. The Dom usually leads the play and consensually exerts control over the sub. This may involve handcuffing or restraining the sub, spanking or flogging the sub, edging or forcing the sub to orgasm, giving orders or instructions, etc. Essentially, whatever specific activities a kink scene may entail, the Dom is typically the one “doing” it to the sub.
While there are many ways to Dom, relationship therapist Jaime Bronstein notes that dominance is often “less about ‘being in charge’ in a forceful way and more about creating an environment where the submissive feels safe enough to explore and be vulnerable.”
What Does It Mean to Be Submissive?
The submissive partner in a BDSM dynamic is the one who consensually cedes control to the Dom. They are typically the partner on the receiving end of whatever kind of play a BDSM scene entails—being spanked, blindfolded, tied up, ordered around, etc.
However, “being submissive isn’t about being passive or weak,” says Bronstein. “It’s about deciding to let go in a safe environment and finding freedom in surrender.” While the submissive partner may not be the one calling the shots, the sub is often the focal point of a BDSM scene.
“The submissive’s boundaries, needs, and desires are central to the dynamic,” Bronstein explains. “It only works when both people are deeply in tune with one another.”
What Does It Mean to Be a Switch?
Some people may identify as primarily or even inherently Dominant or submissive and may usually or always take one role or the other in a BDSM scene. Those who like to alternate between Dominant and submissive roles may sometimes be referred to as “switch” or “vers.”
Consent and Safety in BDSM
Consent is imperative in any sexual encounter. But in BDSM, it’s not just a requirement; it’s the entire foundation. Every form of kink, from light spanking to full-on power exchange, relies on mutual trust, clear boundaries, and ongoing communication.
Before engaging in any form of BDSM play, partners should discuss desires, boundaries, and hard limits, ultimately coming to a mutually agreed-upon understanding of what the scene will and will not entail. This kind of communication is often called “negotiation,” and it should happen before any play begins.
It’s also crucial to remember that in BDSM—as in all sexual encounters—consent can be revoked at any time, regardless of any prior conversations or agreements.
“It’s really important to understand that BDSM is not about pushing through pain or discomfort,” says Chiara. “It’s about creating a shared experience where everyone feels empowered, safe, and respected.” That means enthusiastic consent for every act, every time.
What Is RACK?
In the BDSM world, RACK, which stands for “Risk Aware Consensual Kink,” is king.
“In short, this structure explains that safe kink can only be practiced with consent, education, and understanding of the risks involved,” says Chiara. The idea of RACK is not to eliminate all risks but to ensure all parties involved in a particular sex act are aware of the risks and give their informed consent to engage.
BDSM Safe Words
Safe words can help ensure BDSM play stays enthusiastically consensual and avoids crossing any boundaries. A safe word is a predetermined word or phrase—often something totally unrelated to sex—that immediately stops the action when said. A safe word can make it easier to speak up, which makes it an especially helpful tool for beginners to have on hand. A safe word also cuts through any role-play, breaking the scene and creating a clear, unambiguous out.
A safe word can be whatever you want. But the “traffic light system” offers a common, beginner-friendly approach:
“Green” = Everything’s good, keep going.
“Yellow” = I’m approaching a limit, slow down or check in.
“Red” = Stop everything immediately.
Hand signals, gestures, or other nonverbal cues can also be used (and may be necessary if a scene involves gags, sensory deprivation, or anything that could inhibit speech).
While it’s great to have a safe word on hand, it’s also important for partners to pay attention to each other’s cues, check in, and encourage verbal communication as needed, rather than relying on the safe word to enforce a boundary.
BDSM Aftercare
BDSM can be physically, emotionally, and psychologically intense. This can result in a kind of post-play “crash” or “hangover” following a scene. Aftercare is anything partners might do after BDSM play to help themselves and each other navigate that comedown, mitigate the crash, and return to a state of equilibrium.
Aftercare could include cuddling, taking a shower together, giving each other massages, talking about the scene, getting food or water, or even just sitting quietly together. Whatever it happens to look like in practice, “aftercare is ultimately about reconnecting—a process of grounding and supporting each other,” says Bronstein. “The point is to ensure you both feel good about what just happened and to reinforce the trust that allowed you to go there in the first place.”
Partners may benefit from checking in both before and after a scene to discuss what kind of aftercare they each may want or need.
How to Get Into BDSM as a Beginner
This guide is a great place to start, but there’s so much more to learn beyond the basics covered here. Below, some tips for taking the next steps.
Do Your Research
If a certain BDSM act has piqued your interest, learn all you can about it. Reading is great, but if you’re ready to dive in, nothing beats a lesson from an expert. Many kink experts and educators offer in-person and/or online classes so you can learn in real-time, as well as pre-recorded tutorials and self-paced courses you can explore on your own schedule. Check out some of Julieta Chiara’s offerings here.
Communicate
If you’re interested in bringing BDSM into an existing relationship or exploring it with a new partner for the first time, it’s important to first have an open, honest conversation in a neutral, non-sexual setting to confirm whether that’s something they may be open to exploring. Even if everyone is enthusiastically on board, partners should continue to engage in ongoing dialogue to explore desires, establish boundaries, address concerns, and ensure that everyone is still on the same page.
Go Shopping
BDSM is about more than just the accessories, but it’s not not about the accessories. While you don’t need a fully stocked pleasure chest to get kinky, many forms of BDSM do require some equipment. Whether you’re in the market for handcuffs, blindfolds, floggers, or nipple clamps, going sex shopping with a partner can serve as inspiration and spark conversation in a low-pressure environment.
Start Slow
Many forms of BDSM are advanced acts that require a significant degree of skill and training to practice safely. Don’t attempt to dive right into the deep end with more extreme practices like breath play, rope play, or other forms of edge play. Criss recommends starting slow with entry-level kink like blindfolding, light bondage, or spanking.
Get Involved With the Community
You can learn a lot about kink by connecting with other kinky people. “BDSM practitioners tend to be into education and community,” says Criss. “If there is a group near you, they’re probably hosting play parties, workshops, and mentoring newcomers.”
