Earlier this week, Grammy winner Charli xcx found herself in an awkward podcast conversation. She was on Jason Bateman’s show SmartLess when the subject of having kids came up. Now, anyone with even a cursory knowledge of Charli lore knows this is a complicated subject for her (on her song “i think about it all the time” she wrestles with an internal debate about whether she should retire her party-girl lifestyle to have a baby). But this conversation went down SmartLess, a podcast whose premise relies on one host (this time Sean Hayes) surprising the other two hosts (Will Arnett and Jason) with a celebrity guest each week. And so there Jason sat, unresearched and underprepared, asking Charli (famously married, if you caught either of her two star-studded ceremonies on Instagram last summer) if she would change her mind about having kids “if she found somebody.”

Over the past couple of days, Jason has seen his fair share of blowback online for the question. Those unfamiliar with the pod’s premise are dragging him for not doing his due diligence, while everyone else is focused on how he’s far from alone in asking it. It’s an age-old response that women who’ve sworn off children are all too familiar with. Because, quite honestly, Jason’s questioning didn’t come from a place of pure evil, just one of common ignorance.

For centuries, it’s been thought that a woman’s main life goals should be marriage and children, and all other achievements were simply supplementary to hitting those benchmarks. But evidently, even today, women whose desires don’t include a big family manage to challenge people’s expectations. But we’re well past the era when dismissive adages about “finding the right guy” are acceptable to say to someone who’s clearly voiced that they don’t want kids.

That’s why we’ve gone ahead and tapped some experts to outline what is alright to say during an exchange like Charli and Jason’s (in addition to a few additional responses to avoid) because 1. Clearly, we’re due for a refresher, and 2. There are plenty of less offensive ways to go about this conversation. Feel free to brush up on your manners below, or send this along to your nosy aunt/busybody neighbor who won’t leave you alone about the subject.

Responses to Avoid

“I didn’t know real love until I had kids.”

Here’s a common one. Once someone has told you that kids aren’t on the horizon, it’s not your business to inquire as to why. But it’s especially not your place to wax poetic about all the joys and supposed higher levels of love that having children has provided access to. Beyond personal preference, there are often medical circumstances involved that a response like this one disregards.

“You may feel like you’re doing this person a service by sharing your personal experiences, but what you’re really doing is being dismissive and invalidating,” says Courtney Morgan, a licensed therapist. “Recognize and accept that although having kids was deeply meaningful and life-changing for you, it doesn’t mean that not having children is the wrong choice for someone else.”

“Who is going to care for you when you’re older?”

This question assumes that one of the core purposes of having children is for them to look after you when you’re incapacitated, which is problematic. “Are you having children or building an unpaid eldercare workforce?” asks clinical psychologist Dr. Deborah Gilman. “That’s not parenting. That’s a dystopian pyramid scheme.” There are also plenty of long-term care plans people can put in place to prepare for old age. Kids are not the end-all, be-all care plan.

“You’ll change your mind.”

The decision not to have children is usually not one people make lightly—and sometimes it’s not a decision at all. Given the many circumstances that affect someone’s ability to have or care for children (medical conditions, financial readiness), it’s wrong to assume that all a person needs to change their stance is a bit more time.

“Is your partner okay with that?”

Typically, family planning is the sort of thing couples discuss at length. And even if they haven’t, there’s no reason to meddle in another couple’s concerns, especially when it comes to a matter this sensitive. “Relationships thrive on communication, not outside commentary,” says Dr. Gilman.

Appropriate Responses

Now that we’ve reviewed the responses that should be banned from our lexicon entirely, here are a few polite, expert-recommended ways to respond to someone in this situation. “A more supportive, appropriate response is accepting their decision and trusting that they know what’s best for them,” says Morgan. “You don’t have to understand their decision in order to respect it.”

  • “Everyone has a different journey, so thank you for sharing yours.”
  • “What are you excited to work on or focus on in life?”
  • “It seems like you’ve given it some thought. I understand why some people might not have kids”.
  • “Thanks for trusting me with that.”
  • “Cool, that makes sense.”
  • “Got it.” (A certified classic)