As someone who’s experienced a wide range of Valentine’s Days—single and mad, single and relieved, ambiguously partnered, actually partnered—I’ve had my fair share of conflicting feelings about the world’s most commercialized holiday. But one thing has stayed the same year after year: Without fail, I am guaranteed to have at least one conversation with a friend who’s in an ambiguously defined situationship to the tune of, “I don’t know if they’re planning anything and I know we’re not official but I feel like maybe I…should get them…something for Valentine’s Day?!” And my answer is and always has been a soft version of, “Absolutely TF not.”
Listen to me: Do not give your situationship anything for Valentine’s Day. Put down your credit card. Let me explain.
I know it’s awkward. The most romantic day of the year is here and you and this person are and probably have been doing romantic things for months. You’re in a relationship that’s not really a relationship, stuck in limbo between just hooking up and exclusivity, with all the pros and cons of all stages fully present and accounted for. It’s only natural that your inclination would be to get them something or celebrate together on the day of love—even if it’s just with a cheesy card or a cute gesture.
But before you write a heartfelt love note, spend money on themed candy, or cancel plans with your girlfriends for a date you can’t guarantee is even happening, you need clarity. Unfortunately, this essentially goes against everything that a situationship is: unclear and confusing as hell.
“The modern-day situationship can feel like a conundrum,” says therapist and founder of Authentic Self Therapy Collective, Emily Powell. “Whereas more explicitly defined relationships have clear boundaries and mutual understandings of how the relationship is structured, the situationship poses ambiguity and uncertainty.”
Look, I, too, have asked myself whether or not I should even mention Valentine’s Day to a situationship. And for better or worse, more often than not, the default reaction when it comes to Weird Relationship Things is to just not talk about them. Cosmo’s very own assistant news editor Sam Olson is also no stranger to this particular dynamic. When she was in a situationship circa V-Day 2024, she was also confused as hell. “Because the relationship wasn’t defined, the vibe couldn’t be curated. It’s such a strange feeling,” she says. Not knowing what to expect or what her situationship expected, they avoided the topic altogether. “We danced around it, but that was our entire relationship.”
Let’s be honest, it can also be scary to put yourself out there and not know how it’s going to be received. What if you get them something and they didn’t get anything for you? What if that uncovers a truth that’s hard to swallow: that maybe they’re less emotionally invested in you than you are in them? On the other hand, what if they got you something and you’re not prepared—is it wise, then, to have something in your back pocket? You know, “just in case?”
Associate sex and relationships editor Kayla Kibbe understands the seemingly illogical urge to gift a situationship a token of your affections. “I think it probably has to do with wanting to ‘earn’ their love or ‘prove’ yours,” she says. “In a situationship, you obviously kind of know they don’t feel the same—or at least that it’s risky to tell them how you feel—So getting them a gift seems like a safer way to tell them without telling them. It’s not! It’s literally much worse! But it feels safer and more chill in the moment.”
And while, yes, you could theoretically get your situationship a gift as a temperature check on their feelings, you also run the risk of putting yourself in an awkward situation where they’re left feeling blindsided or, at the very least, guilty they didn’t get you anything in return, says Powell. The safest way to play it is to abstain from gift-giving altogether and instead use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to vocalize what you actually want.
“Challenge yourself to communicate openly about your expectations,” says Powell, adding that initiating The Talk “can illuminate your own needs and serve as a conversation about how all parties are feeling in the relationship.”
Remember: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to do Valentine’s Day with your crush, but you deserve clarity—not confusion. If the casual nature of your relationship is working for you, you can still have a nice Valentine’s Day where you know exactly what to expect, whether that’s a date with a dinner reservation or nothing at all. And if that’s the case, then maybe you should get a gift—a nice one—for your damn self.
