Thanks to the dire state of sex education in the US combined with societal shame and stigma that discourages open conversations about sex, a lot of folks can feel in the dark when it comes to what’s "normal" in the bedroom.
From the moment we start having sex, many of us quickly become obsessed with how we—and everyone around us—are having it. We’re anxious about our bodies, our sexual abilities, and, maybe most vocally, about our sexual statistics—aka, how often we’re having sex and how many people we’re doing it with. We might keep track of our "body count" (the number of people we’ve slept with) and even judge ourselves and others based on it. We may fret about whether a drop in sexual frequency signals the end of our relationship, or worry that we’ll "forget how to have sex" if we go too long without it.
Although a lot of the time this preoccupation with crunching the numbers of our sex lives only serves to distract from the actual point of having sex—which is, duh, pleasure (and we should always be prioritizing quality over quantity!)—it can sometimes be helpful. There might be a reason to worry if you’re having less sex than usual; for example, new medication impacting your libido, mental or physical health issues sapping your energy, or a sign of problems in your relationship.
Hearing about other people’s sexual exploits or dry spells can also offer us reassurance about our own sex lives. This might be especially true for single women right now, for whom the current dating landscape (and therefore opportunities for sex) is famously so bleak that celibacy and "boy sobriety" have been trending.
As per 2021 research from the Center for Researching and Understanding Sexual Health's Are We Doing It Enough? Sex Frequency and Satisfaction Report, 36 percent of single people are intimate 1-3 times per month, and 35 percent of married people are intimate at the same rate. Forty four percent of people who are dating said they were having sex 1-3 times a week.
But what are the real life stories behind these stats? How close are single women to this supposed average? And how often are these sexual encounters good? To satiate your curiosity, we asked single women how often they had sex, when they last had sex, and how much they’re enjoying the sex they’re having.
12 Single Women on How Often They Have Sex
1. "I’ve had a string of bad dates lately."
“I probably have sex less than once a month, although I currently haven’t had sex since April. I tend to meet people on dating apps, but I’ve had a string of bad dates lately, so nothing’s come of those. Recently I asked a bartender for his number, and then dated him for a month. The sex was great then! But if I sleep with someone I’ve just met from an app, the sex usually isn’t good.” —Grace*, 28
2. "I have a hard time dating multiple people at once."
“I’ve been single for a year but only recently went back to dating. I had sex with a friend from January to March, then went on two first dates. Two weeks ago I met someone at a bar and we’ve been on two dates since and had sex on Friday. [We have a] good connection, but I’m not sure where it will go. I have a hard time dating multiple people at the same time. I know I should but I can’t.” —izdontzknowz, 26, via Reddit
3. "I have periods of no sex, and then regular sex."
“I’m a pretty regular dating app user, but I’m quite fussy. A benefit of this is that I tend to only go on dates with people I’ve built a bit of a rapport with first, so I usually end up seeing them for a few weeks or months at a time. This means I go through periods of no sex and then periods of regular sex, rather than having lots of casual sex consistently. It also means the sex tends to be pretty good because we have time to learn what each other likes.
When I’m seeing someone, I probably have sex once or twice a week, and when I’m single, it can be up to three or four months before I have sex again. I do have some old flings I hook up with occasionally, too.” —Naomi*, 24
4. "It’s been really hard."
“In the last two years, I’ve been on five dates total, with three people. No sex. I have Hinge and Raya. It’s been really hard!” —LauraBranigan, 33, via Reddit
5. "I’m not into casual hookups."
“[It’s been] two years for me [since I last had sex]. I’ve been on a handful of dates in that time, but they never went anywhere. I’m not into casual hookups. I questioned my sexuality for a while, but it turns out I am, in fact (unfortunately), heterosexual. Sometimes I miss sex. I know I could get it if I wanted, but I need to actually like the person. I also feel that sex has often been disappointing in the past, as in the man was mostly just focused on his own pleasure.” — via Reddit
6. "I have a couple of people I sleep with fairly regularly."
“I probably have sex a couple of times a month when I’m single and not consistently seeing someone. I usually meet them on the apps. Very occasionally it’ll be someone I meet IRL. I have a couple of people I met through the apps a year or so ago who I sleep with when we both have the time. With those people, the sex is always great. I guess I wouldn’t want to see them again in a casual sense if it wasn’t great.
I last had sex two weeks ago with a guy I met on Feeld last year. This is kinda perfect for me because we know what we like and we get on well, but there’s no expectation or responsibility. I found out I got herpes six months ago, so I’m more cautious about sleeping with people who I haven’t told now, which has impacted the amount of new people I sleep with.” —Felicity*, 30
7. "Each year, my sex life slows down."
“I’ve been single for four years and each year my dating and sex life slows down. The first three years, I averaged about one to four dates and one to two new sexual partners. Last year, I didn’t have any dates and went over a year without sex because I was being ultra picky. This year, I moved cities so I figured I’d rip the Band-Aid off with a quick fling about a month before I went. Well I ended up with chlamydia, so guess who is retiring back into celibacy?” —aelizabeth3300, 24, via Reddit
8. "Living at home impacts my sex life a lot."
“I’ve been unintentionally (and against my own will) celibate for about six months now. I’m not really a casual sex person—I catch feelings way too easily—so I find it hard when it comes to sleeping with people because I need to have a connection with them first. The last time I had sex was around March/April and it was with a guy I met on Hinge and had been on a few dates with. The sex was good! Not the best I’ve had, but when it’s with a new person it never is amazing—for me that is, anyway.
I also live at home with my family, so that impacts my sex and dating life a lot. Maybe if I didn’t, I would have sex more often and more casually.” —Zoe*, 26
9. "I’ve been on 10 dates in the last few months."
“I’ve had about 10 dates with new people in the last few months. Of those, I had sex with two people I considered as having potential for a long term relationship.” —thatjaybirdtho, 31, via Reddit
10. "I’ve been enjoying more sexual experiences while single."
“On average, I have sex once to twice a month, although since I joined a new dating app more aligned with wanting to explore sexuality, I’m hoping this is going to increase—and I actually last had sex over the weekend. I usually meet the men I have sex with on dating apps, but occasionally on the rare night out I go on. Generally the sex is pretty good, and I’ve really been enjoying more sexual experiences as a result of being single. It’s far better than the sex I had in a relationship!” —Hannah*, 28
11. "My sex life depends on whether I go out at the weekend."
“I probably have sex once or twice a month, but it will completely depend on whether I go out at the weekend or plan a date with someone. Sometimes I’ll purposefully make plans to go out to see whether I can hook up with someone, but it’s never a guarantee! I’m not on any dating apps, as I like to meet people organically, so my sex life is really in the hands of whether I can be bothered or not to flirt much that weekend.
Unfortunately, when I do have sex, it’s usually not great. It’s worse with complete strangers, as you don’t know anything about what the other person actually enjoys and so you just have to ‘hope for the best.’ Because I know I’ll likely never see them again either, I can’t be bothered to teach them exactly what I like and don’t like. It’s almost an, Ugh let’s get this over with mentality. Whereas, when I’ve been with people I already know a bit, I’m more inclined to make sure we both get what we want out of the encounter. Maybe it’s because I don’t want them to think I’m shit in bed every time they see me post a story on Instagram.
I last had sex about a month ago. It was a really bad experience though, and it put me off going out/searching for a hookup for quite a few weeks. I couldn’t be bothered to make an effort and end up in a similar position.” —Kellie*, 25
12. "I have a few FWBs I see regularly."
“I like going on at least one date a week, and sex is usually included. I have a few FWBs I see regularly, too, so that ups the frequency. I’m newly-ish single and I like going out a bunch so that might be why.” —abbyabby91, 32, via Reddit
*Names have been changed. Some responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
