It’s pretty hard to generalize what guys want in bed when everyone’s different. It’s kind of like asking what all people with vulvas want, or all people with penises—there is no black-and-white answer because what works for one person might not work for the other. And while open and honest conversations about sexual pleasure aren’t always the most comfortable to have (especially when a relationship is new or casual), asking the right questions is the best way to actually learn what’s going to work for your partner.
It also goes without saying—but we’ll say it over and over again—that while it’s totally normal to be curious about what guys want in bed, it’s equally important to be curious about what works for you, and to be able to communicate that with your partner. The best way to figure out what that is, exactly, is by experimenting with different types of touch, sex toys, erotica, and more. Advocating for yourself in the bedroom is the best way to make sure your desires are met, too. Remember: Your pleasure matters just as much as your partner’s does, and your needs are just as important.
In the event that you want to do some research on what some guys say works for them (which isn’t to say this is what will work for your guy—you should still ask him!), we went straight to the source and asked them. We also reached out to sexual health and wellness experts about what they’ve seen in their experience. Here’s what they had to say.
1. Open Communication
Don’t be afraid to show them (literally, with your hands) how you like it. “Move his hands, position your body, and use verbal and nonverbal communication to ensure a good time for you both,” says Vanessa Geffrard, MPH, sexpert for Lovers adult wellness brand and retailer. (Sexy role play tip: Lay on the bed and touch yourself while you ask them to look but not touch. A sexy, easy way to show and tell).
This goes both ways, because ideally, the'd express their desires to you, too. But a partner who can explain exactly how they want to be touched is endlessly sexy and could create an open lane of communication that goes both ways.
2. Experimenting with Different Locations
“Keep it exciting by exploring new places to play, such as the kitchen table, laundry room, in the car, or even outside,” says Jacqueline Misla, sex expert and COO of Curious Fox, a community for the polyamory-curious. “Having sex in new areas can also lead to more fun and creative opportunities to role play.”
3. Eye Contact
Sometimes eye contact can lead to a more intense emotional connection. “Men want to see how their partner is feeling and reacting to what they're doing,” says relationship expert Chloe Ballatore. “The more women can lose themselves in the moment and enjoy what their man is doing to them, for them, the better.”
4. Laughter
Humor takes the pressure off of, well, pretty much everything. The same thing applies to sex. “I’ve spent years in encounters and relationships where everything in the bedroom is so serious. It’s like when we toss aside our clothes, our senses of humor get thrown out as well,” says Bryan T., 28. “Having a good laugh can improve intimacy and relieve some of the pressure I feel to perform. This makes it easier to be spontaneous and let loose."
5. Emotional Connection
Sex provides an amazing physical sensation, but it’s also an excellent opportunity for intimate physical connection with a partner you really love. Sexologist and sex therapist Shamyra says that in her practice, she’s found that while the term “making love” isn’t often initiated by men, they usually mention it after their partner has brought it up first. After getting over the stigma of the corniness of “making love” as a term, Shamyra says some men do want to make love, as in have sex slower, more intentionally, and more passionately.
6. Initiation
One of the most common complaints Shamyra hears in couples therapy is that male partners in hetero relationships feel like they often have to initiate sex with their female partners. “Men like to be seduced, they like to feel desired and attractive,” says Shamyra. “Initiating sex sends the message to your man that you want him, which gives him a major confidence boost.”
A pointer: Ask them how they’d like you to initiate. And if you’re initiating sex in your own way by rubbing their back or something, clue them in to what you’re doing so they know that’s you trying to get it on.
7. Noise
“If you’re a screamer, scream. Don’t hold back your moans, groans, screams, and growls of pleasure,” says Shamyra. “Men love to hear this—it’s erotic and really turns them on.” Not to mention, it’s liberating for you too. Don’t hold back if you’re really feeling it in the moment.
8. Active Participation
Actively participating just means meeting their thrusts with your own thrusts, grinding your hips, and flexing your PC muscles (the muscles that stretch from your pubic bone to the tail bone). These are all things you can do from whatever position you’re currently in.
You can also use your hands to squeeze their arms and pull their body closer to yours, or use your lips to explore more of their bod—all these moves will let them know you’re loving the action.
9. Variety
If you don’t usually experiment outside of the missionary position (which, no shade—missionary is a classic for a reason), have a conversation about whether or not they’re craving anything different, and don’t be afraid to express it if you are. After all, part of the reason something like hotel sex is so damn appealing is because humans crave novelty. Don’t feel like you have to go outside your comfort zone just to please your partner, but if the idea occurs to you that it might be hot to have them spin you around and take you from behind against your kitchen counter...let ‘em know. Trust.
Any change in speed, pressure, or position can make the act more interesting and pleasurable. “Variety keeps him in a heightened state of arousal because he never knows what to expect,” says psychologist Joel Block, PhD, author of The Art of the Quickie.
10. Direction
No one’s ever wished for *less* direction in bed. Save the ambiguity for pre-hookup sexting, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you really want.
If you’re worried about offending them, focus on the positives to tell them what you are and aren’t into. Saying “Ehh, that’s not doing anything for me,” but “I really liked it when you were doing this before,” can also help send a message. Positive reinforcement always works wonders.
“Tell him how good it feels when he does something right or remind him of a technique that always gets you off,” suggests Gloria Brame, PhD, a sex therapist in Georgia. “If he’s not giving you enough foreplay, ask him to use his hand or mouth to warm you up, saying that you want to draw out the experience.”
11. Visual Stimulation
For men, what they see is almost as good as what they get, so make sure to give them an eyeful if you're feeling it too. “One time during sex, my girlfriend led me over to a mirror so we could see ourselves in action,” remembers Tyler, 21. “I found it really sexy, but what made it hotter was how into it she was.”
12. Confidence
Being open about what you like even if you’re worried about what they might think is a great way to truly connect and find pleasure. If you need a vibrator to get off, or you’ve always wanted to go dutch on a set of bed restraints, be confident in those desires and communicate them accordingly. If they’re not into it, you’re giving them a chance to tell you that instead of just assuming that they’re not—by doing that, you could be missing out on a world of pleasure.
“Women are often afraid to get 'naughty' in a relationship, because they don’t want to shatter any ‘good girlfriend’ image he has or they don’t want him to think they’re weird,” explains Brame. “But men want to see that no-holds-barred side of you—they just don’t want to offend you by asking for it.”
13. Spontaneity
It’s easy to fall into a rut, but there’s nothing like spontaneity to keep things fresh in a hookup. You may also want to do something unexpected, like initiating a new position or trying a passion prop. “My girlfriend and I were out shopping when she suggested we check out this sex-toy shop,” says Nick, 27. “We ended up buying a penis sleeve, which is basically a thick, bumpy condom. Not only was it fun to use, but I loved how eager she was to try it.”
14. You in Control
For every wild, passionate bone-sesh you’ve had, your partner would probably welcome a break sometimes too. Brian, 26, says, “I was dating a woman who was sort of a bookworm. But when [we had sex] for the first time, she was wild. Before I could even try to take off her clothes, she threw me back on the bed and blindfolded me with her bra,” he remembers. “Then she gave me the best oral sex ever. I didn’t lift a finger.”
For a softer approach, Brame suggests positions like reverse cowgirl, which prevent them from controlling the rhythm. Aka, you can go at whatever speed you like.
To dip your toe into Fifty-Shades-for-beginners territory, Kristie Overstreet, PhD, suggests telling your partner they can’t talk, touch, or even move unless they’re told to (make sure to establish consent, first). Tell them if they disobey you or don’t follow your directions, they’ll be punished. Boss them around a little and tell them how you want them to touch you, tell them what to say, and direct their every move. Watch them squirm, and remind them from time to time that you’re in control.
15. Kink
If you’re in a rut, try something out of your comfort zone. Overstreet says that sex can often be a way to release tension and stress. “For many guys, the more stress they have, the more they may want to do sexual acts that are out of the ordinary,” she says. (True for you too, btw.)
Have a conversation about boundaries and safe sex. Trying something kinky doesn’t mean springing a blindfold on someone out of the blue without any warning. Overstreet suggests asking them what they consider taboo when it comes to sex and communicating that you’re open to talking or trying out new desires you both have in the area. Or you can try creating a yes, no, maybe list together.
16. Vulnerability
Overstreet says that guys can often be hesitant to talk about fantasies because it makes them feel vulnerable. So if you open up the communication so they feel safe sharing their fantasies with you, it can only improve and help your relationship.
As with any sexual fantasy, it’s best to discuss details beforehand. Open up the dialogue by discussing one of your fantasies first. This makes it more comfortable for them to talk about their own fantasies and can establish a baseline of trust and a safe space. Overstreet says this can also help the two of you discover which fantasies you may have in common and, if so, which would be easiest to turn into reality.
